Dear Loved Ones



I would like to bring to your attention that I have single-handedly devoured an entire box of Zoo biscuits and 2 cups of ceylon tea over a period of 23 and a half minutes, and surprisingly feel no remorse for my actions whatsoever.

I do on the other hand feel extremely bilious. I believe that I may be slowly slipping into what one may call a sugar induced coma. My vision is beginning to blur and I am experiencing a great deal of discomfort on the left hand side of my body in the form of an itch.

My head is beginning to swirl, I’d better lay down.

If I do not recover from this experience and you happen to find my lifeless body sprawled across my living room sofa, just know that it has become increasingly difficult to decipher exactly what kind of animal is printed on the biscuits, they still taste as incredibly delectable as ever, and it was so worth it. 


One more thing, there has been no foul play so no need to alert the authorities. Lastly, the suspicious smelling herbs in the glass bottle labelled wholegrain mustard which you may find stored in the cupboard to the extreme right hand side of my dishwasher is in fact expired Italian Herbs. 


Please give the jar to my friend John, he is a horticulturist and collects expired herbs and converts them into organic compost and mulch. You will find his contact details on my mobile: John “Organics”.

Love and Light.